ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
