I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
