Christians are straight up FREAKS
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
