i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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