I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
