At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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