I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
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The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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