If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize