how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
