Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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