Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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