Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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