just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
