Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
