My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
