my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
