There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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