it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
