Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
