Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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