My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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