My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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