I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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