the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm always down for nudity.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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