When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
