Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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