Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
