despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
