In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Found the puke drawer
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
