i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
