I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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