if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
