Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
