Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We're too hungover to prance.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
