i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
