Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
