im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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