It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
