There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He felt like a one man threesome
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
