I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
