Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
