the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
