it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
