Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
