just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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