I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
