It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
