Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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