Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
