That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
