the condom got lost in my hair
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
