Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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