I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
