apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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