I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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