one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
